LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.

I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show!

Total time: approximately 33 minutes
Projected cost: $4 (excluding booze)
Drinking Buddy: If this isn’t enough booze for you, I suggest drinking rubbing alcohol.

Ingredients:
1. 2 shots of bourbon (per drink)
2. 1/3 cup of brown sugar
3. 2/3 cup of white sugar
4. 1 cup of water
5. Crushed ice
6. 1 sprig of mint leaves (per drink), another handful for the simple syrup

Step 1
Create a simple mint syrup. Boil the cup of water, then mix in the white and brown sugar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Turn off the heat and throw in a large handful of mint leaves and allow them to steep in the fridge. (Approx 30 minutes)

Step 2
Frost your serving glasses. Fill your glass almost to the brim with crushed ice. Place the spring of mint leaves in with the ice. Match the amount of bourbon to the amount of simple syrup and mix vigorously. Now serve this up to a Southern belle or gentleman as if you’re name is Smarty Jones.

LICK HER POT STICKER SOUP

Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Apply your whole tongue. Don’t be shy now. You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming. How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea. For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)

*available at Asian markets

Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min). Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.

Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).

Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.