Steps to Keeping Your Kitchen Safe: Buffet Rules

There are a few simple steps to ensure germs do not spread at a buffet.

1.) Make sure food is kept at the proper temperature. Hot food should be kept hot, and cold food should not be allowed to warm up. Keep food hot with a burner underneath, and keep food like shrimp cold by keeping it on ice.

2.) When taking seconds, thirds or fourths, it's wise to use a clean plate each time. If the serving spoon touches a person's plate, germs are transfered into the main dish, and therefore germs are spread to every person who takes food from that dish.

3.) Never sneeze or cough near a buffet. The germs will travel through the air and onto the food. Try to leave the room or move far away in anticipation of a sneeze or cough.

4.) Don't use a serving implement in more than one dish. If there is nothing to serve with, ask for another utensil. Dipping serving spoons in more than one thing will cause cross contamination between dishes.

5.) Don't leave food out longer than needed. When the buffet is closed, food should be put away as quickly and efficiently as possible. Refrigerate, freeze, and throw out food as appropriate. The longer food stays out, the more bacteria will multiply.

ROCK YOUR RAMEN ALL NIGHT LONG

Ramen on and on and on!

So you are ready to throw down for the hot number you got lined up. The only problem is your wallet’s emptier than a beauty queen’s head. Fear not for money will be the least of your worries tonight. Your mind will be occupied debating which gravity-defying position to try next. This dish will bring your dates back to their starving student days when they would put out after two red keg cups and an inquiry about their major. Those collegiate memories still rattle like a tower of beer cans knocked over in a hung-over stupor. Embrace this turbo-diesel version of ramen with flamboyant flavor you won’t find in one of those tumor-inducing MSG packets. You will have to settle for fresh vegetables and a gingerific aphrodisiac payload. And if I were you, I’d change out of that toga before you head to work the next day.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or Sake

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of chili sauce
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
4. 2 packets of dry ramen
5. 1 egg
6. 1 bell pepper cut into strips
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a lime of juice
9. 1 large handful of fresh chopped
10. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely

Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Place the dried ramen (discard flavor pack) in a bowl and add the hot water. Cover the bowl for 3 minutes, break up the bunched noodles with a fork, and then drain them in a colander.

Step 2
Warm up the vegetable oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-high heat. Stir-fry the ginger and onions (approx 3 minutes); add the bell peppers (approx 2 minutes) and mushrooms (approx 2 minutes). Kick up the flavor with the soy sauce and chili sauce.

Step 3
Dump the ramen into the veggies and mix it all up. Squeeze in the limejuice. Crack an egg in the center of the noodles, allowing it to cook (approx 1 minutes) before stirring it into the ramen. Serve it up like a Samurai warrior of lust.

LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.

I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show!

Total time: approximately 33 minutes
Projected cost: $4 (excluding booze)
Drinking Buddy: If this isn’t enough booze for you, I suggest drinking rubbing alcohol.

Ingredients:
1. 2 shots of bourbon (per drink)
2. 1/3 cup of brown sugar
3. 2/3 cup of white sugar
4. 1 cup of water
5. Crushed ice
6. 1 sprig of mint leaves (per drink), another handful for the simple syrup

Step 1
Create a simple mint syrup. Boil the cup of water, then mix in the white and brown sugar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Turn off the heat and throw in a large handful of mint leaves and allow them to steep in the fridge. (Approx 30 minutes)

Step 2
Frost your serving glasses. Fill your glass almost to the brim with crushed ice. Place the spring of mint leaves in with the ice. Match the amount of bourbon to the amount of simple syrup and mix vigorously. Now serve this up to a Southern belle or gentleman as if you’re name is Smarty Jones.

IMPALE ‘EM WITH YOUR SWORDFISH

Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.

Alas, there is no escaping your fate. We shall duel at dawn’s first light. You wrote your destiny when you insulted my honor. By not partaking in the fine I prepared, nor acquiescing to my subtle seductions, I am forced to take things a might bit further. So I have upped the ante of our rendezvous with an unstoppable thrust of nature. This wicked weapon will pierce thy heart and expose thy loins. There is nothing thou can do to hold me back from my urge for triumphant trolloping. And to think my foes presume this dish to be anything but simple sensational seduction. En garde, I say!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: White wine

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pinch of salt
2. 1 pinch of cracked pepper
3. 1 teaspoon of olive oik
4. 1 8-10 ounce steak
5. ½ a lemon of juice
6. 1 handful of chives diced (optional)

Step 1
Douse the top of the swordfish with olive oil and lemon juice. Rub salt and pepper into the fish and let it all absorb (approx 5 min).

Step 2
Preheat grill or BBQ so the heat is high. Once it’s blazing hot, turn heat down to medium and throw the swordfish on the grill. Cook the fish covered until it the meat goes white and the grill lines are present (approx 4 min). Flip the fish and grill the other side (approx 3 min).

Step 3
Scatter the chives over the fish if you so desire and squeeze some more lemon juice over the meat. Serve the fish up solo or with a . Just keep it classy.

BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY

This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia. I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day. And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants. Mango and curry together unlock something primal. Sweet, spicy and sensual. You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap. This happened to me. But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite. I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans. But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch. Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash. I’m empathetic like that.

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Beer or san-grab

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 2 tablespoons of red curry paste
2. 1½ cups of dried basmati rice
3. 1 can of coconut milk
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion cut into strips
6. 1 red bell pepper cut into strips
7. 2 chicken breasts cut in bite-sized pieces
8. 2 handfuls of chopped cilantro
9. 2 mangoes peeled and chopped
10. ½ a lime of juice

Step 1
Wash the rice first in a colander. Then boil the rice with twice as much water. Turn the heat down low and simmer until the water is all absorbed (approx 15-20 min). Use a fork to fluff the rice after. Move on to Step 2 while it simmers.

Step 2
Marinate the chicken in lime juice and ½ the cilantro. Heat up 1 tablespoon of oil in a large deep pan on high heat and brown the chicken (approx 4 min). Set the chicken aside.

Step 3
Heat up the remaining oil in the same pan on medium-high heat. Saute the onion and red bell pepper (approx 3 min). Add the mango and curry paste and cook until they melt together into a killer sauce (approx 2 min). Finally mix in the chicken and coconut milk and cook until the sauce reduces and the flavor sets into all contents (approx 4 min). Mix in the remaining cilantro and serve the curry over the rice and prepare to be praised.

CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2. Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food. This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors. The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening. That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage. For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time. Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior. “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!”

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or SAN-GRAB...

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of beer
2. 1 tsp BBQ rub
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 2 chicken breasts

Step 1
Run the BBQ rub into the chicken breasts, smother them in honey and dump the entire beer over the chicken and marinate (approx 30 min)

Step 2
Preheat the grill until it is hot hot hot. Throw the chicken down and grill until the outer meat browns and inner meat goes white, flipping once (approx 4 min per side). Serve up with some delicious CARBS OR SALAD