ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).

Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.

Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.

SAUSAGE PARTY SINWICH

Big Ol' Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room! A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth. There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut. But don’t fear it. Taste it. Enjoy it. Love it. There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food. Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening. Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date. Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game? Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: lick you lips

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. 2 small slathers of mayonnaise
3. 2 large sausages (chicken, turkey or veggie OK)
4. 1 small onion chopped into strips
5. 2 slices of sourdough bread
6. ½ avocado sliced thinly
7. 1 bell pepper chopped into strips
8. 1 handful of cherry tomatoes

Step 1
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cherry tomatoes in oil on medium heat (approx 4 min). Split the sausages down the middle, throw them into the pan and cook down (approx 3 min). Burst the cherry tomatoes so they stew, drawing out the cancer-fighting lycopene.

Step 2
Toast the bread and slather mayonnaise on each piece. First place the peppers and then dump the sautéed pepper, onion and tomato mixture. Crown them with avocado slices and cut the open-faced sandwiches in half.

Serve these bad boys up solo or with some

WAFFLE PARTY USA

This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

Celebrate American Independence from those tax-collecting limeys. Those redcoats just took and took and never bothered to give their colonists a reach around. King George shouldn’t have been surprised when they stopped sucking him off with a smile. Perhaps if the British were more inclined to reciprocate with the oral gratification Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of their posse wouldn’t object to being colonial fluffers. But alas, history unfolded and now the yanks are free from British money shots splattering their bespectacled, wig-wearing faces. If not the taxes and tariffs, chances are the Yankees would have rebelled against the piss poor British cuisine. So celebrate Independence Day with a distinctly American dessert. Oh say can you see?

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp powdered sugar
2. ¼ cup heavy whipping cream
3. ½ package
4. 2 frozen waffles
5. ½ tsp vanilla extract
6. 6-OZ dark CHOCOLATE

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice the strawberries up, removing the stems. Place the slices on top of each frozen waffle. Chop the dark chocolate up into shards and place them on top of the strawberries

Step 2
Whisk up some homemade vanilla whipped cream into frothy awesomeness. You can just use canned whipped dream if you are lazy and don’t enjoy it fresh.

Step 3
Throw the waffles into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 10 min). Sprinkle powdered sugar over them and crown it all with whipped cream.

Serve the waffles up like a proper patriot .

PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard! This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection. Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks. When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this treats. The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit. Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your . Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome. Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist. Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddyor Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp olive oil
3. 2 dashes Cajun seasoning
4. 2 plantains

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F. Peel the plantain and cut into thin slices. Lay them out on the baking sheet. Sprinkle with salt and Cajun seasoning.

Step 2
Bake the plantains in the oven until they dehydrate and brown. Use a spatula to pry them all off the baking sheets.

Serve on a plate with